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| Are you surly?
Do you have a mild speech impediment?
Do you like pie? |
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If you answered "Yesch!" to any of the questions above, you may have what it takes to join our team! That's right, JPMorganChase is now hiring customer relations professionals. Our dedicated staff is surlier, more unintelligible, and more fond of pie than that of any other bank in America.
Please send resume and salary requirements via hotbovine.com under the subject "I Love Pie!"
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| Hard-As-Nails Samurai-Like Protector
A rewarding opportunity awaits a Hard-As-Nails Samurai-Like Protector at The Church of the Cave Fish in Eastern Utah. We seek a warrior/destroyer to protect our blind and feeble visionary, Malakthoo, the Cave Fish. Successful candidates’ qualifications and responsibilities include: |
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| * Mastery of multiple martial arts |
| * Ability to Collaborate with the Inner Circle of the Cave Fish |
| *Destroy would be assassins and exterminate dissenters |
| *Excellent interpersonal communication skills |
| *Light typing & filing |
| *Bulletproof candidates are preferred | |
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The Church of the Cave Fish has a rich history of community Service, a savvy board of trustees and is proud to offer a full medical and dental benefits package. Apply directly to Hotbovine Jobs or seek The Church of the Cave Fish in Eastern Utah, overcome the Inner Circle and apply in person.
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Scumbaggio | Ehhh!! Are you a filthy pig!? Join us to slap asses of teenagers, mostly girls! You seen us standin around on the corner? You like to say all the nastiest things? Real vile? Come show us! One of our main guys, you know, he went to grad school. Not enough scumbaggios, the uppity ones with the handbags ain't so scared no more--we need a quorum, man. You could do it! On the corner, man. Bring money for Lotto!
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Presidential Candidates Wanted
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The Democratic Party of the United States is actively seeking presidential candidates for the 2008 Presidential Election. If you've ever imagined what it would be like to govern the most powerful nation the planet has ever seen, this position may be for you. We're looking for self-starters who think outside the box yet play well with others. Must be proficient in PowerPoint and Excel. Excellent benefits package, opportunity for advancement after four years. Position requires relocation to Washington, DC, but telecommuting possible for strong candidates. Extensive background check. Equal opportunity employer. Interested? |
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Themistocles Seeks
Trireme Slave Galley Drummers
For the Battle of Salamis |
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Our fleet is Athenian style, not that weak-ass Polycrates of Samos or Ameinocles of Cointh bullshit. Successful applicants will posses the following attributes:
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Familiarity with Saronic Gulf geography
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Superb Oarsmanship
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Mastery of Ramming Speed Rhythm
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Fluency in Persian
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Familiarity with Hittite a plus
Contact Hotbovine Jobs for more details.
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Personal Assistant Sought
Need somebody to walk my dog, move my car, and get me toilet paper when I run out. (Often while on the toilet.) Part time OK. This is a low/no payment position. Compensation in form of college credit, employee discount on pet supplies (I work at Petco), or occasional glimpses of me naked. Must have own car and landscaping equipment. Contact Hotbovine Jobs.
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THE HOTBOVINE FAMILY OF PUBLICATIONS IS HIRING IN ALL AREAS FOR ALL ITS TITLES:
Ambiguous Genitalia
Mister Lady
Dirty Box Magazine
Tailgaitin’
Afro-philia
Jewish Ass
Fortune
Choir Boy
Municipal Bonds Quarterly
Wet, Hot Sex Midgets
Gay
Publishing experience preferred. Lack of morals a must. Apply directly to Tim at Hotbovine Jobs.
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Subjects for clinical study wanted:
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Cash compensation. You show up, we insert a tracking device in your rectum You return one week later, we remove the tracking device, we pay you $75, you leave. That's it! |
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Eugenics for Christ seeks a West Coast Regional Manager who will manage and further develop our West Coast Market. This challenging opportunity is for job seekers who fervently believe the mentally and physically disabled, homosexuals, Gypsies, Tutsis, Armenians and all heathens have no place amongst humanity and should be exterminated like the cockroaches they are. The candidate who will fill this exciting and challenging position will manage nine managers, who in-turn supervise local market account representatives. Opus Dei Members are preferred. Experience in forced sterilization a plus. |
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Live-in Superintendent Wanted
Homeless shanty-town needs on-site maintenance man. 500 cardboard boxes need constant attention, especially after rain. Must have own masking tape and stapler. This is a non-union position. |
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Opportunities in Siamese Cobra Husbandry and Antivenom Testing
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Siamese cobra strikes are on the rise! Great opportunities in cobra husbandry and anti-venom creation and testing. Breeding more Siamese Cobras and releasing them in the wild will increase the number of cobra strikes and thus increase the demand for anti-venom. Strong tolerance for cobra venom required. |
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Muse
Fine artist requires beautiful and enigmatic siren to allure & creatively inspire. Right candidate will provide professional painter/sculptor w/unfathomable beauty, intellectual stimulation and handjobs. No fatties, retards or Asians.
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Online Pornographer/Videographer
Min. 3 yrs web exp.
Send resume to ScrewTube c/o Hotbovine.
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Spit-Taker Sought
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I am in need of someone to accompany me constantly. You will hold a beverage (milk preferred) and occasionally sip from it. When I make a joke or off-color comment you will expel the beverage in a fine misty spray from your mouth. I am a busy executive and media personality so you must be willing to travel. Resumes should be sent via hotbovine, or directly to Mike Wallace c/o CBS News. |
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Seeking Pastoralist Maasai Herdsmen & Herdswomen
Responsibilities include:
- Semi-nomadic lifestyle
- Observing distinctive customs and dress of Maasai herdsmen
- Fluency in Kimaasai (Maa)
- Drinking milk & cattle blood
- Circumcision & Clitoridectomy
- Ear Disking
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 | Interested applicants should circumcise or clitoridectomize themselves, disk their ears and move to Tanzania or Kenya.
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