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Epic Movie
Reviewed by Skeeter "Hot-n-Crazy" Monroe
It got mighty cold this week, so I got enough money together for a movie ticket to keep warm. My pals Ironsides and Lockjaw went to the Film Forum and seen that Andy Warhol’s Empire so they could stay inside a real long time. But I ain’t no elitist. I went to one of them big multiplexes with 14 screens. Besides, there’s better snack pickings on the floors of them big ones.
I laid down in back, but I couldn’t sleep real good and I kept waking up and seeing some of the movie, but it didn’t make no damn sense to me. Seem like there was 10 different movies going on!
Maybe that’s cause I was drinking mouthwash mixed with root beer. That Duane Reade generic blue Listerine packs a wallop! I bought me a bag of them "Starbust" fruit chews too, but I didn’t much like them. Ol’ Skeeter’s choppers ain’t too firm and I lost one of my grinders on account of it getting stuck in one of them chews.
Anyhow, every time I opened my eyes, it was a different movie. Once, Captain Jack Sparrow was nude wrestling that feller from Transylvania-stan. Then I seen some fairies with boots dancing with a dwarf!
I got hungry again so I put some chews on the floor and pounded them with my hammer and threw ‘em in the mouthwash and root beer to soften ‘em up. That didn’t work too good, so I tried to swallow 'em whole, but they got stuck in my throat, so I hacked ‘em up.
Then I slept some more but next thing I know, a lion’s talking to a wizard from France. Then Superman flew into a chocolate factory with a Mexican wrestler and a whole gang of more dwarfs!
I musta been inside that theater a real long time cause I seen about 15 different movies and ain’t none of ‘em was any good anyhow. Only it was weird cause it didn’t seem like more than an hour and a half. Maybe it was that mouthwash.
I guess I passed out for a while, cause then it was a different movie again. This time there was a magnet man and he magnetized some skinny little thing with a tiny dog and he stuck her to the Golden Gate bridge. That wasn’t nice, so I didn’t like these movies and I only give ‘em two bottles of wine out of five.

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