17 Hot Holiday Gifts for Kids We all know how fickle kids can be.  What was cool ten minutes ago is garbage now.  In fact, it's almost impossible to stay on top of the tastes of today's youth.  So, if you want to be the coolest parent, aunt, uncle, or cousin ever, just get that kid on your list one of these awesome gifts...    My First Credit Card  With a credit limit of $20,000 and an APR of 24.7%, now your child can accrue actual credit card debt and learn responsible spending on his own.  He'll be paying off that X-Box and those Nikes until he's 52, and she'll be in hock for those Ugg boots and Razr phones right through menopause!       Rock N' Roll Smackdown No, not the WWE's brand of smackdown!  Based on the success of "Guitar Hero," the latest Nintendo video game to feature "gesture input technology" lets you really rock out--by getting addicted to heroin!  Now your kids can actually wrap their arms in rubber tubing and inject a harmless saline solution with a syringe!  The loser dies young a la Sid Vicious.  The winner becomes a living zombie like Keith Richards!  (Full works and water-soluble faux "junk" substitute included.)    Jailbait Dolls   Forget Barbie!  Forget Bratz!  These sassy dolls toe the line between barely legal and extremely illegal--and they look hot doing it! Anatomically correct!  Accessories include sex toys, designer drugs, and a home waxing kit.   Kalashnikov AKs-74U Assault Rifle  We've all seen "A Christmas Story," and we all know you don't want to buy your kid a BB gun. After all, "You'll shoot your eye out!" But with a state-of-the-art assault rifle, that's not a concern--you'll shoot your enemy's eye out first! In fact, you'll blow his entire fucking head off! The AKs-74U is popular with kids due to its compact size, which allows it to be carried in the cars and even concealed under the clothes. Also, good news for parents--a special version of the AKS-74U had been developed for the Special Forces (SpetsNaz), which could be fitted with quickly detachable silencer and a special 30mm silenced grenade launcher model BS-1 "Tishina" ("silence"). After all, with the escalating arms races at most US grade schools, you don't want your kid to be under-armed. Plus, sending a kid to school with, say, a Sturmgewehr MP44 or an M1 Carbine is like giving him a Playstation 2. Obsolete--and so last century!!!    Genital Piercings You may have worn an earcuff to junior high in 1989, but nowadays your kid is a dork if he doesn't have some metal skewering his body.  That's why body-piercing gift certificates make great stocking-stuffers for your tween this holiday season.  You might not know whether Johnny wants a Prince Albert or a scrotal piercing, or whether Janie wants a large-gauge barbell through her clitoris or her labia.  But they will!  So just give them a gift certificate and let them decide!  Besides, in addition to looking cool, it makes that pre-marital (and pre-teen) sex much more pleasurable.  So it's like two gifts in one!   THX (Don't Tickle Me) Elmo   While TMX Elmo got all the press as the hot kids' toy of '06, our money's on THX Elmo.  THX is the state-of-the-art cinematic audio technology developed by George Lucas.  Elmo is the red furry thing beloved by kids everywhere.  And "Don't Tickle Me!" is the cry sounded by thousands of young children at Christmastime when their drunken bachelor uncles in their rum-soaked Santa suits get a little too tactile while dispensing the presents.  Elmo's clarion "Don't Tickle Me!" alert is delivered in pristine THX audio quality at 75 decibels to alert parents and, if necessary, the authorities.     "My Surreal Funeral" Playset   Complete with casket, hearse, mourners, and whimsical cryptic zoological animals such as unicorns, jackelopes, sasquatches, and yetis, this fun-filled activity set allows children to imagine their own deaths and to incorporate fantastical and surrealistic elements into the funereal proceedings.  Educational and entertaining!     Brokeback Mountain Action Figures by Lego   Kids love cowboys, and they'll absolutely adore playing with these realistic renderings of homosexual cowboys Ennis Del Mar and Jack Twist.  Lego interface allows you to attach Ennis to Jack or vice-versa, front-to-back or head-to-toe.  Meddlesome hetero spouses not included.      Siamese Cobras   Nothing says “Happy Holidays!” like a case of writhing, hissing and extremely deadly Siamese Cobras. Watch out—they bite!  (Anti-venom kit sold separately.)     Bangladeshi Sweat Shop Fantasy Camp   Take the brats to Soccer Games? Cheerleading practice? Puh-lease. Put the kids to work for you at this fully operational Bangladeshi Sweat Shop! Your children will learn humility, obedience and the value of a good day’s work (approximately $.37) under the lash of the sub continent’s finest task masters.  These Dickensian Jet Li wannabees have perfected their craft of pummeling added production from children as young as 11 years old to benefit upstanding American companies like Wal-mart, Hanes, Puma and J.C. Penny.     Swords of Damocles   Mistletoe, shmistletoe. What could be more exciting than 36 razor sharp, gleaming blades hanging by a thread from your ceiling, waiting to dispatch you to the afterworld with the merest misstep, loud noise or shift of the house?     Marx Brothers Action Figures   They’re all here! Groucho, Gummo, Zeppo, Chico and even Margaret Dumont! Kids today can’t get enough of the Vaudeville stars of the 1920s, especially when they’re fully poseable. Gotta get ‘em all!      Kramer Baiter (Nintendo Wii)   From the minds that brought you "Papal Succession II" and "Fred Sanford's Junkyard Shootout" comes Kramer Baiter! Each character is a minority whose objective is to bait and enrage Kramer enough to cause him to insult and ultimately attack you. In the 2nd level, Kramer attempts to hang you from a tree with a fork up your ass. The winner escapes lynching and is awarded a multi-million dollar civil reward and gets to lock up the once-respected comedian and throw away the key.     Our Lord And Savior Home Stigmata Set   Are you truly devoted to Our Lord And Savior, Jesus Christ? Then why aren’t your kids bleeding like him? (Includes nails, five crowns of thorns, Bacteen® and tetanus vaccinations for those nasty nail gashes and pierced sides.)     Pirates of the Caribbean: Captain Jack Sparrow’s Cross Dressing Assemblage   Captain Jack’s got a surprise in his locker—and it’s not a hidden treasure map! In no time at all your swashbuckling pirate lads will be indistinguishable from the ship’s concubine.     Life-Size Damien Duff Blow-up Doll   Soccer player blow-up dolls are all the rage in the UK and parts of the Commonwealth. On sale this week is Republic of Ireland and Newcastle United winger, Damien Duff. Buy before Wednesday and you’ll receive Liverpool goal keeper Jose “Pepe” Reina—absolutely free!    A Good MindFreaking!   You know it and we know it: Our minds are just not being freaked enough. But now you can make sure your kids get all the MindFreaking they need!  That's right--TV personality Chriss Angel is now available for hourly rental!  Sort of a hybrid of a gay Trent Reznor, a retarded Harry Houdini, and a less racially-ambiguous David Blaine, Chriss Angel will freak your mind good!  Because the mind is a terrible thing--to not freak!