At Hotbovine.com one thing keeps us up at night: What kind of human filth actually reads our garbage? And more importantly how are they finding us?    Happily, our site server provides a metrics page which tells us exactly what search engine terms are leading people to the toilet that is our website. Turns out, the terms are pretty amusing. So we bring you… How They’re Finding Us: Hotbovine’s Hottest Search Terms, Part 1 (And no, we are not making these up...)    Most of the search terms break down into fairly obvious categories. First up: Prurient Interests and Porn Seekers.    Not surprisingly, many of the perverts patrolling the internet wind up in our boutique of high class satire, but some of the terms that lead to Hotbovine were… well, frightening. "Jailbait doll," "naked little adolescent," and "seed cunt fertile young virgin womb" were easily among the most disturbing.    But what gives with search terms like "hot big legged women"? Is John Lee Hooker’s ghost seeking companionship?    How about "hot skanks?" Did this young man have any particular skanks in mind, or was he looking for the Platonic Ideal of skanks?    And who is this "Elmont whore" that keeps turning up in our terms? If you’re out there, Elmont Whore, drop us an email! We’d like a look at your business plan because you’re definitely doing something right.    We’re curious people who love to learn at Hotbovine, so we’d like to know exactly "Who has the dirtiest cunt in Hollywood" too, but it never occurred to us to type it into the MSN search engine. Ditto "Angelina Jolie’s gynecologist".    Finally, if you want to fuck your mom, please, at least spell "fuck" right.    Prurient Interests & Porn seekers: These were some of the more entertaining keyword searches with only one thing in mind: Screwtube leads to our job postings. hot big legged women jailbait dolls lusty men’s crotch Penelope Cruz cooter, Penelope Cruz coňo Where else would this go? Dr. Cooch, of course. Who has the dirtiest cunt in Hollywood?? seed cunt fertile young virgin womb Titties from wedding crashers takes readers to our review of that wonderful film. mom fuk mountain dew in cunt he put it up my butt peach fuzz cunny cuban hot pussy hot skanks hot fuck machine bovine pussy, bovine fuck pittsburgh hot pussy sex toys for the prince albert piercing gay naked little adolescent britney spears cooch shot who is angelina jolie’s gynecologist Elmont whore Oddities: Hey, Oedipus, not everyobdy out there wants to fuck their mother. Some of us just want to combine infamous Nazi butchers with the betrayer of Christ. News man stung by killer bees chewbaca jesus, saint chewbacca "We hate irish," "mexican mennonites," and "we hate bus drivers," lead to our not-very-PC article on Hate. octaroon Fear and scorn the homeless? Judas goebbels blasphemy brokeback cartoons could only lead to one thing. cobra husbandry we hate happy feet steers readers to our review. odin vodka    Our next category is slightly less disturbing, but strange nonetheless.    Two of our favorites were "saint chewbaca," and "chewbaca jesus," leading to our Star Wars and Monotheism parody somehow, but after crawling through 42 pages of google search results, we found nothing that lead to our site. We did find a link claiming to lead you to "Freaky weird kinky brunette anal fucking chewbaca from star wars." Seriously.    The search term "newsman stung by killer bees" lead to our Stever Irwin obituary (of sorts) on Page 666.    Octaroon? Yup. Hard to believe ten readers came to our page looking for this archaic indicator of racial purity. Then again, it was pretty hard to believe Kramer could be so evil.    "Odin vodka" brought a few readers to view our under-rated Motown Parody, "The Icy Wayfarers", featuring Sgt. Pepper’s Lonely Heart’s Club Band doppelganger "Mighty Odin’s Viking Longship Band". We ought to get around to recording that some day...    Then came the Metal heads, who, competitive bunch, seek Metal Clarity. Who’s the better shredder: Mustaine or Hammet? Who’s king screecher: Dickinson or Halford? Seekers of the True Metal were lead to our Election InfoWad, where at least one contest was conclusively settled for the ages. Metaaaaaaaaal! Dio vs. dickinson mustaine vs. hammet kirk hammett vs. hammet vs mustaine bruce dickinson vs rob halford dickinson vs. halford    However, despite all the other weird and disgusting search terms that lead to Hotbovine, no other category holds a candle to Dr. Cooch, Professional Cunt Doctor to the Stars. Terms that lead to the Coocher way outnumbered all others. It should be no surprise that lots of panting palm porkers made their way to this page by accident. Similar in many ways to the Porn Seekers, these had a special place in our hearts because they led directly to the good, if deeply misguided (and malpractical), Doctor. We really thought it’d be hard to come up with something more juvenile and stupid than Dr. Cooch's column, but these search terms proved us wrong. We’ll not comment further on these, but instead, just list some of the finer examples here to close out Part 1 of our special report. Enjoy...  Search Terms that lead to Dr. Cooch: how not to have a saggy vagina, saggy vaginas, i have a wrinkly vagina, dr pussy, hot dr puss, bottle up cooch, clitoridectomy, dirty dirty cooch, smooth cooch, hot little young cunt, young cooch, pain in the cooch, salma hayek’s muff, put baking soda and vinegar in her cunt, cooch problems, corn cob cooter, Appalachian trail hiker cunt, Georgia o queef, cooch itching, itching cooch and many, many more... Comments?                                                              Back to Hotbovine home