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Martin Luther King Jr. did not struggle and die for equality so you could sit watching TV Land in your underpants. In an effort to urge the USA to truly honor this giant of justice, we’d like to shed some light on different ways still-segregated Americans can observe the great man’s legacy. Maybe by getting to know each other better, we can come a little closer to that glorious dream: blacks and whites, living side by side in harmony, like a giant piano. Or a like a giant white piano next to a giant black piano. Or even just one big grey piano...
How To Observe Martin Luther King, Jr. Day
If You're Black
You've put up with too much for too long and the white man will be tip-toeing around you even more than usual today. As ticklish as that is, there are still some things you can do to make this holiday both more meaningful and more entertaining:
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Preface every sentence with the phrase, "I have a dream!"
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Call a close white friend or business associate a “cracker ass cracker.”
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On the Sunday preceding MLKJ-Day, fly to Australia. It's MLKJ-Day there already! But they don't celebrate it. So chastise them for it, fly back to the States, and celebrate it all over again!
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Create a larger than life papier-mâché MLK and decorate him in garlands, tinsel, and flashing lights
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Gather the entire family around an MLK-norah and ceremoniously light the 39 candles, each of which represents one year of the great man's life and, coincidentally, one of his extramarital affairs
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Photoshop the Reverend Al Sharpton's coif onto Martin Luther King, Jr.'s head. Chuckle at the results.
If You're White
You personally bear the responsibility for hundreds of years of repression. And you think this is just a day off work? Think again! You're a racist bastard if you don't do at least three of the following:
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“Reparations” are not something you do to your Camaro when it won’t start. Give all your shit to Reverend Al Sharpton to make amends.
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Go door-to-door in your nearest ghetto and ask if they've got any cotton you can pick for free. (You may substitute cotton candy for cotton)
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Get a few friends, find Maya Angelou, and carry her around all day in one of those sedan chairs
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(warmer climes) Fan a hot African American
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Abstain from food, drink, and Nascar (for the poor) or golf (for the middle and upper class)
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If you’re a drug addict with a black dealer, apologize to him for destroying his community when you buy your crank.
If You're Jewish
Let's face it, you're in a bind here. On one hand, to paraphrase Woody Allen, your forebears were probably in Europe being raped by Cossacks during slavery. On the other hand, many in the black community feel you profiteer ruthlessly from the ghetto. Best play it safe:
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Stay in your homes!
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If you must go outside, smile stupidly at any black people you come across
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If you're a woman, give it up to a brother. You know you want to anyway
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Refrain from pointing out how your uncle went down to Georgia to march in the 60s
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Wear a sandwich board stating “Pharaoh Enslaved Us Too. It wasn’t nice. We truly sympathize.”
If you’re Hispanic
Ola, muchachos! You’re the fastest growing group in America right now. Dr. King couldn’t dance salsa, bachata or merengue, but he fought hard against prejudices of all kinds. So…
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Raise your can of Tecate and shout “Viva el Rey de Martin Luther!”
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Get an oil change
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Change the batteries in your smoke detectors
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Continue being vibrant, bilingual, and hard-working. We love it!
If you’re a Pacific Islander
Hey! Welcome to America. So, Pacific Islander, huh? Micronesia? Where’s that? No shit. Well, uh, Dr. King was really great. How about one of these:
If You’re Iraqi
Many African Americans got suckered into military service hoping to get together college money. It was all working out nicely 'til President Bush Part 2, “This Time It’s Personal” decided to attack Iraq. So, look, if you’re an Iraqi, please do one of the following:
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Refrain from killing any black service men on this special day
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Instead… If you’re a Kurd—kill a Shiite or Sunni. If you’re Shiite—kill a Sunni or Kurd. If you’re Sunni… well, you get it
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Pray with a brother. Remember, many American blacks are Muslim too. But they wear suits, sell bean pies, and are generally just cooler about the whole thing than you are.
If you’re Chinese
The Chinese in America have faced persecution too. Still, Nobody’s suffered like African Americans here. Except, of course, the native Americans. That was the most successful genocide of all time. I mean, have you met any Algonquins lately? No? How about Iroquois? Mattabessets? No? Neither have we. On second thought, we’re too depressed to recommend any celebratory activities for you. Maybe find a Manchurian and punch him in the face.
If you’re a Native American
Dr. King was a great man and all, but, seriously, why couldn’t he have appeared about 400 years earlier and fought for you? Dudes, if you’re native Americans, just take the whole fucking week off, alright? Look, uh… we’re really, really sorry.
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