While there's certainly no shortage of ready-made Mother's Day cards in your local pharmacy, stationary store, or planned parenthood clinic, there are still some groups of mothers and children that are under-represented in today's increasingly diverse and complex society. So if you're one of these freaks, you may be able to choose an appropriate sentiment from our... Alternative Mother's Day Cards!   Oedipal/MILF:   Dearest Mother, You gave birth to me, raised me, and nurtured me. You made me into the man I am today. Doesn't it follow, then, that we'd be a perfect fit romantically? Let's date!     Dear Mom, Nice Ass! Love, Your Son   Mother Dearest, Let's face it. Dad's not getting any younger, And I'm not having any luck with chicks my own age. Plus, you know how to do my laundry. I want you. Your Loving Son.   Mom, You know I was never meant to be a girl. But my sex change has only resolved one half of my destiny. Now, mother, I am ready to make you my wife. Be mine!   Step-mothers, Foster Mothers & Fill-in providers: Mom, When my real mommy left, to deal cards in Vegas, you stepped in and loved me like your own. It's almost like I actually came out of your vagina. I love you. Your Stepson   To My Stepmother, When Dad first brought you home, I thought he was crazy. But now I see all the wonderful things in you that he saw.You're caring, nurturing, giving, and one-third his age. I'd like to buy you a Mother's Day drink, since you're too young to buy one yourself. Dad doesn't need to know. --Your "Son"   Dear Step-mom, I know things haven't always been good between us. I resent you for breaking up my parents, and you resent me for never accepting you. But now that you and Dad had a baby together, I guess you're a real Mom now. So whatever, Happy Mother's Day. --Your Stepdaughter Grandmothers/Great Grandmothers/Great Great Grandmothers: Grandma, It's amazing how badly you screwed up with your own daughter. But you did an okay job raising me. Happy Mothers Day!   Great Grandma, Three generations separate us. It's kind of like those Russian dolls, where you open the big one, then there's a smaller one inside that and an even smaller one inside that... I'm like the teeny doll, you're like the big one. That bugs me out. That and the fact that you hit menopause in 1901.     Beloved Great Great Grandmother, Damn are you old! Is that even possible? Love, Your great, great grandchild   Foundling/Feral Children: Dear Television, Your warming cathode glow and the rodents and insects I captured and ate in this closet were somehow all my radioactively mutated human form needed to survive. From you, I have learned English, Spanish and all that I know about how humans interact. You have sustained my geometrically increasing super-powers through these nine years, and now my mutant fury will be unleashed upon the hapless, idiot world that locked me in this closet with only you for company. Thank you for nursing my dormant vengeance, Tele-mother!   Dear Dumpster, Although you are not actually a mother, being thrown into you cannot actually be called a life. Thank you for housing me as my helpless, innocent existence expires in darkest isolation and horror, only for Pavel, the super, to discover in the morning.   Jewish Dear Mom, Your nasal, admonishing voice, Critical, nagging, and whiny, Is the reason I can't get an erection. Gay Male Mommies: Dear Mommy, Just because you have a penis does not mean you are not a wonderful mommy. You are! Thanks to you and Daddy for saving me from the wretched African village of my birth.   Creepy People Who Consider Themselves Mommies Because They Have a Pet: Dear Mommy, Even though you only have a small dog and know nothing of the pain, joy, hardship, responsibility and rewards of true Motherhood, I wish you a Happy Mothers Day, because I know if I don't you'll get all weird about it. Seriously, start dating again. Sincerely, Concerned Friend     Animal Mothers: From your loving wolf cubs, Arooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo! Mother! Hungry! Nuzzle! Nip! Bite, wrestle! Dislodge runt from wolf-teat! Feast!   Dear Mom, Koko, Banana. Play. Koko want banana. Want Play. Love, Koko   Foetal: [Sound of vacuum cleaner] Why, mommy, whyyyyy.......? [Sound of toilet flushing]