Back to Blasphemy One True God! The Screenplay! text begins below               EXT. SPACE. CUT TO INT. OF MILLENIUM FALCON OBI WAN and SAINT CHEWBACCA are looking on as JESUS, blindfolded, is wielding a light saber. A mechanical orb is hovering around him. It fires a laser beam right into JESUS’ eye. JESUS Owwww!!! OBI WAN No, no, use the force! JESUS Fuck the force, that thing just shot a laser beam into my eye! OBI WAN (Slapping JESUS upside the head) Stop being such a fucking pussy. ORB Bleep! Pussy! Bleep! The ORB FIRES again, hitting JESUS in the chest. JESUS Oww!!! Goddamn it, that was my nipple! JESUS gets angry and starts wildly swinging the light saber at the place he thinks the orb is. He's wildly off course, though, and instead veers over to where SAINT CHEWBACCA is and accidentally cuts off his arm. SAINT CHEWBACCA (Un-transcribable Wookie wail of pain) JESUS What's wrong, Chewy? (Sniffing.) Does anybody else smell burning hair? ORB Bleep! Ha-ha! Bleep!   CUT AWAY.   EXT. DAY. On the desert planet of TATOOINE. MUHAMMAD and COUSIN ALI IBN ABI TALIB stand in the sunshine, fanning themselves. MUHAMMAD God, it's hot. COUSIN ALI IBN ABI TALIB Lemonade? MUHAMMAD No, thanks. I think I'll just go chill out in that cave.   MUHAMMAD walks into a CAVE. In the cave, the voice of GOD:   ALLAH Hey. MUHAMMAD Holy shit, who the hell are you? ALLAH I'm the one true God--same as the one the Jews and Christians groove on. MUHAMMAD Your voice is pretty loud, man. Can you turn it down a little? ALLAH Sorry. MUHAMMAD Um, so, is there something I can help you with? ALLAH Yes. I want the people of the world to stop eating pork. MUHAMMAD Okay. ALLAH And to give alms to the poor. MUHAMMAD Arms to the poor? ALLAH No, no—alms. MUHAMMAD What the fuck's an alm? Is it like an almond? ALLAH Schmuck! Alms—it's charity! MUHAMMAD Then why didn't you just say so? ALLAH For the love of…just get a pen, will you? CUT AWAY.   EXT. SPACE. HANGING from the underside of the CLOUD CITY OF BESPIN. JESUS hangs precariously from a metal outcropping, beaten and badly injured. One hand has been cut off. ABRAHAM reaches out to him. ABRAHAM JESUS, I am your father. Metaphorically speaking, if not strictly literally. JESUS No! ABRAHAM Look, kid. I'm the father of Isaac, who begot Jacob, Jacob begot the 12 tribes, all that crap. You're one of us. The force is strong with you and all, but come on. It's all about Yahweh. Join me and we can rule the galaxy together! JESUS I’ll never join you! ABRAHAM Okay, dude. Have it your way. JESUS drops into the abyss, only to be caught by Han Solo in the Millennium Falcon, passing below.   SAINT CHEWBACCA RRRAarrarRRrgh! HAN SOLO Pull him in with your one good arm, Chewie! All that Force mumbo jumbo sure did a number on him. CUT AWAY.   INT. NIGHT. The cave. MUHAMMAD and ALLAH are talking. MUHAMMAD (writing): …and shall live happily ever after, the end. Okay, done! (Puts down pen.) Hey, what are we calling this thing, anyway? ALLAH (Voice booming) THE KORAN! MUHAMMAD (writing again): The…Koran. Is that a "C" or a "K?" ALLAH (Voice booming) NEVER QUESTION ME! MUHAMMAD Okay…let's make it a "K." ALLAH Now, for your next task— MUHAMMAD Next task!?! ALLAH Yes, next task! You are my prophet du jour. Is that a problem? MUHAMMAD Yeah it is! My fucking wrists are killing me! That Koran took up like 2,300 legal pads! (Indicates the pile in the corner.) ALLAH Fucking ingrate prophets. I mean, I choose you, your names will live in eternity, you’ll be worshipped along side me, basically, and all I get is your pissing and moaning. MUHAMMAD Awright, okay, I’ll do it. Whatever you want. Jesus! ALLAH Don’t get me started on THAT slacker. I’ve been asking him to come back as man’s salvation for 700 years. I’ll tell you something. This is it. You’re the last one. MUHAMMAD Okay! I said I’d do it. Man, you really are good at this guilt shit. ALLAH The last one in the middle east anyway. Maybe I’ll pick a new one in North America. MUHAMMAD Okay, you know what, just call me when you’re ready. I’ll be in my tent.   ALLAH continues complaining as the camera FADES.