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Halftime & 3rd Quarter:
JD: ABC announces that play will continue through halftime due to Network time constraints! Also, The Rolling Stones will not perform! Drummer Charlie Watts is locked in his dressing room with Detroit native and punk legend Iggy Pop.
TP: A tipsy Joe Namath surmises Watts and Iggy are shooting heroin into each other’s cocks. In a perhaps related story, Diana Ross is nowhere to be found.
EW: A second announcement! For the first time in Super Bowl history, fans will choose their own Halftime entertainment. Spectator response will determine the replacement act via Applause-o-meter.
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TP: The giant Jumbo-Tron flashes the choices:
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SB: A representative from each choice steps onto the field from the tunnel and waves to the crowd.
EW: "Wrinkle-Mania" gets a decent response.
JD: They don’t seem to care much for Nightline, Mozart or Streisand though.
TP: But the crowd have saved their wrath and hatred for Wilford Brimley! The spectators produce large rocks from under their seats and stone him without mercy.
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JD: A fan leaps from the stands and shouts "It's 'diabetEEEs,' not 'diabetis,' Gramps," and delivers the coup de grace.
SB: Wild applause as Brimley’s hideously disfigured corpse is scraped up in shovels and unceremoniously flung into the end zone seats at the north end.
JD: The half time show is cancelled all together as the grounds crew attempts to dismantle the stage. Meanwhile, the Steelers’ kickoff to the Seahawks begins the 3rd quarter. There is sheer chaos on the field as the players smash into the stage, stage hands and equipment.
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TP: The Seahawks receive and a lighting rig falls on the runner! Fumble! The referees cannot determine whose possession it is after the resulting hog-pile.
JD: Gay.
SB: The officials decide to have a "Dance-off" for possession. The Steelers perform "It’s Almost Like Being in Love" from Brigadoon. Not bad, actually.
TP: The Seahawks send on a nude, hare-lipped eunuch who impersonates Hailie Selassie and then mimes the destruction of the Queensboro bridge.
EW: The judges award the Seahawks possession for originality! And it’s rush, rush, rush for Seattle! This is a dramatic offensive push. Culminating in… touchdown and extra point! Seattle 24, Steelers 3!
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SB: The Steelers fumble and lose possession on their own 36 yard line. Holy crap, the Steelers are sending in ‘Black-U-Fat 3000’. For more on this robotic powerhouse, we have its inventor, George Washington Carver Junior, the Third.
GWCJ3: Thanks, Scotts. The Black-U-Fat 3000 is the most sophisticated football-playing robot ever created. You see, the white man doesn't want it known that my great, great grandfather developed a peanut-based microprocessor that is a thousand times faster than anything Pentium ever dreamed of. This processor is at the heart of the Black-U-Fat 3000.
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SB: Damn! But… why the cape and widow's peak?
GWCJ3: I wanted to simultaneously evoke William "The Refrigerator" Perry and 70s Blaxploitation cult hero Blacula. I think I've succeeded here.
SB: Right. Thanks for coming by the studio. We're looking forward to seeing Black-U-Fat in action.
GWCJ3: A salaam aleikum, my brother.
SB: Adios, bendejo!
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TP: Black-U-Fat pounds open Seattle’s offensive line, tearing off several limbs and severing the head of star Quarterback Matt Hasselbeck!
JD: The Seahawks fumble and the 800 pound Blitz-bot recovers, killing substitute center Chris Spencer. Steelers’ ball as the clock runs out on the 3rd quarter, the Seahawks still hold a comfortable lead.
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