Super Bowl XL

Welcome to Detroit’s Ford Field and hotbovine.com's commentary on the biggest sports event of the year—which is either some sort of figure skating event with huge, ugly, padded women or Super Bowl XL! Our commentators are Scott, Jasper, Todd and Eben.

JD: Introducing the game with a memorable moment, all of the surviving MVPs from previous Super Bowl games march out on to the field. Eighty-three year old Bart Starr trips over his colostomy bag and falls flat on his face. An inauspicious start to the game.

TP: Aretha Franklin and Aaron Neville sing the National Anthem! Franklin appears to have about 40 pounds on Neville, though Aaron still has the reach. I got twenty bucks on Neville.

EW: I have to admit I'm not quite comfortable working in the sports idiom. We have no idea what we’re doing.

SB: True. Nevertheless, the toss goes to Seattle and they’ll receive. For the Steelers, four time Super Bowl champs, they’re calling this "One for the Thumb."

JD: If the Steelers win it, coach Bill Cowher will actually fist each player while wearing five Superbowl rings, making "one for the thumb" the nastiest statement ever repeatedly pronounced on national television.

1^st Quarter: Kickoff!

TP: One dude catches the ball. He runs a little, higgeldy piggeldy, this way and that and then BLAM! Several Steelers blast him.

SB: Seattle has possession on their own 32 yard line. It’s first down. I think they should punt.

JD: The two sides line up and then, inevitably, there is conflict. Helmets crash, bodies collide, sweat is spilt.

TP: The gladiators of the grid iron arise from the scrimmage, tenderly embracing their comrades. Seahawks tight end Jerramy Stevens reads Wilfred Owen’s war poem, "Anthem for Doomed Youth" aloud.

EW: The battered warriors weep and caress. It’s gayer than Fleet Week in Chelsea out there.

JD: There’s a string of commercials for different kinds of dental dams and chemical weapons.

TP: After nothing much happens for a long time the Seahawks punt. They should have done that in the first place.

JD: The Steelers catch the ball and run around like girls. Suddenly a giant Snoopy balloon from the Thanksgiving parade climbs the stadium wall and crashes down on the spectators!
TP: Snoopy lines up with the Steelers. Quarterback Ben Roethlisberger climbs up on Snoopy’s back using the guide ropes. Snoopy tumbles face down on the field, flattening the Seahawk’s front line. Roethlisberger scurries up to his head and it’s first down Steelers!

2nd Quarter